Twelfth Night: Act 1, Scene 5
Enter MARIA and Clown.
MARIA
1 Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will
2 not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in
3 way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy
4 absence.
Clown
5 Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this
6 world needs to fear no colours.
6. colours: deceptions, with a pun on "collars," hangmen's nooses. MARIA
7 Make that good.
7. Make that good: prove it.
Clown
8 He shall see none to fear.
8. He shall see none to fear: (Because he'll be dead.)
MARIA
9 A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that
9. lenten: meager (like food during Lent). Maria means it's a lame joke. 10. I fear no colours: ("colours" are the banner of a military unit).
10 saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'
Clown
11 Where, good Mistress Mary?
MARIA
12 In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in
13 your foolery.
Clown
14 Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and
15 those that are fools, let them use their talents.
MARIA
16 Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent;
17 or, to be turned away, is not that as good as a
17. turned away: dismissed, turned off or hanged.
18 hanging to you?
Clown
19 Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage;
19. Many . . . bad marriage: proverbial where hanging means execution or sexual prowess. 20. for turning away, let summer bear it out: i.e., As for being fired, summer would be the ideal season to be homeless.
20 and, for turning away, let summer bear it out.
MARIA
21 You are resolute, then?
Clown
22 Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two
23 points.
23. points: "Points" can also mean "laces used to hold up breeches."
MARIA
24 That if one break, the other will hold;
25 or, if both break, your gaskins fall.
25. gaskins: breeches.
Clown
26 Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way;
26. Apt, in good faith; very apt: well done, very witty (but the Clown is being ironic). 27-28. if Sir Toby . . . in Illyria: Toby and Maria would make a good match.
27 if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as
28 witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
MARIA
29 Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes
30 my lady: make your excuse wisely, you were
31 best.
Exit [Maria].
Clown
32 Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!
33 Those wits, that think they have thee, do very
33. thee: i.e., wit.
34 oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee,
34. thee: i.e., wit.
35 may pass for a wise man: for what says
36 Quinapalus? 'Better a witty fool, than a foolish
36. Quinapalus: An authority, invented by the clown.
37 wit.'
Enter LADY OLIVIA with MALVOLIO
[and ATTENDANTS].
— God bless thee, lady!
OLIVIA
38 Take the fool away.
Clown
39 Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
OLIVIA
40 Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:
40. Go to, you're a dry fool: Get outta here, you're a dull fool.
41 besides, you grow dishonest.
41. dishonest: unreliable, wicked.
Clown
42 Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel
42. madonna: A fancy way of saying "My Lady," from the Italian, mia donna.
43 will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is
44 the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend
45 himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if
45. mend: reform.
46 he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing
46. botcher: mender of shoes or clothes.
47 that's mended is but patched: virtue that
48 transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that
49 amends is but patched with virtue. If that this
50 simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,
50. syllogism: deductive reasoning.
51 what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but
51. cuckold: a man sexually betrayed by his wife.
52 calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take
52. As there . . . so beauty's a flower: Calamity is a cuckold because no one can stay married to it forever.
53 away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
OLIVIA
54 Sir, I bade them take away you.
Clown
55 Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, 'Cucullus non
55. misprision: arrest of the wrong person.
56 facit monachum': that's as much to say as I wear not
55-56. Cucullus . . . monachum: the cowl does not make the monk. 57. motley: multi-colored clothing of fools (The Clown's point is that his thinking isn't foolish.)
57 motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to
58 prove you a fool.
OLIVIA
59 Can you do it?
Clown
60 Dexterously, good madonna.
OLIVIA
61 Make your proof.
Clown
62 I must catechise you for it, madonna: good
62. catechise: question methodically. 62-63. good my mouse of virtue: my good virtuous mouse.
63 my mouse of virtue, answer me.
OLIVIA
64 Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide
64. want of other idleness: lack of any other way of wasting time. bide: endure, put up with.
65 your proof
Clown
66 Good madonna, why mournest thou?
OLIVIA
67 Good fool, for my brother's death.
Clown
68 I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
OLIVIA
69 I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
Clown
70 The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your
71 brother's soul being in heaven. Take away the
72 fool, gentlemen.
OLIVIA
73 What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he
74 not mend?
74. mend: improve. (Olivia thinks the Clown is becoming more amusing.)
MALVOLIO
75 Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake
75. Yes: (He thinks the Clown is becoming more foolish.)
76 him: infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever
76. Infirmity . . . better fool: Sickness and age always make a fool "better" (by making him more foolish).
77 make the better fool.
Clown
78 God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the
79 better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be
80 sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his
80. fox: crafty person. pass: pledge.
81 word for two pence that you are no fool.
81. pence: pennies.
OLIVIA
82 How say you to that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
83 I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
84 barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day
85 with an ordinary fool that has no more brain
85. with an ordinary fool: by a natural fool, idiot.
86 than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard
86. out of his guard: off his game, without a witty reply.
87 already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to
87. minister occasion: provide openings (for his jests).
88 him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,
88. protest: declare.
89 that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better
89. crow: laugh loudly. set kind of fools: professional fools.
90 than the fools' zanies.
90. zanies: sidekicks, crew.
OLIVIA
91 Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste
91. of: with.
92 with a distempered appetite. To be generous,
92. distempered: sickly.
93 guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those
93. free: open-minded.
94 things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:
94. bird-bolts: blunt arrows for shooting birds.
95 there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do
95. allowed fool: licensed fool, one allowed to say anything.
96 nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet
96. rail: scold, satirize.
97 man, though he do nothing but reprove.
96-97. a known discreet man: a man known to have good judgment.
Clown
98 Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou
98. Mercury: God of guile (insidious cunning, deceit, treachery). endue: endow. leasing: lying. (In other words, as a reward for speaking "well of fools," may Mercury give you the gift of lying).
99 speakest well of fools!
Enter MARIA.
MARIA
100 Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman
101 much desires to speak with you.
OLIVIA
102 From the Count Orsino, is it?
MARIA
103 I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and
104 well attended.
104. well attended: accompanied by a good number of servants, but when the "gentleman" (Viola) appears, he/she is alone.
OLIVIA
105 Who of my people hold him in delay?
MARIA
106 Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
OLIVIA
107 Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but
107. speaks nothing but madman: talks crazy.
108 madman: fie on him!
Exit MARIA.
109 Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I
109. suit: request, plea.
110 am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.
110. what you will: say whatever you want.
Exit MALVOLIO.
111 Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and
112 people dislike it.
Clown
113 Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest
113. us: i.e., fools.
114 son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with
113-114. as if thy eldest son should be a fool: as if you wanted your oldest son to go into the fool business. 114. Jove: highest deity of the ancient Romans.
115 brains! for, — here he comes, —
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH.
116 one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.
116. pia mater: brain.
OLIVIA
117 By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the
117. What: what sort of man.
118 gate, cousin?
SIR TOBY BELCH
119 A gentleman.
OLIVIA
120 A gentleman! what gentleman?
SIR TOBY BELCH
121 'Tis a gentle man here — a plague o' these
122 pickle-herring! How now, sot!
122. 
a plague o' these
pickle-herring! How now, sot sot: drunkard, fool.
a plague o' these
pickle-herring! How now, sot sot: drunkard, fool. Clown
123 Good Sir Toby!
OLIVIA
124 Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early
125 by this lethargy?
125. lethargy: drunken stupor.
SIR TOBY BELCH
126 Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
OLIVIA
127 Ay, marry, what is he?
SIR TOBY BELCH
128 Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not:
128. an he will: if he wants to.
129 give me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
129. faith: religious faith (to protect him against the devil). Well, it's all one: it doesn't matter, whatever, etc.
Exit.
OLIVIA
130 What's a drunken man like, fool?
Clown
131 Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one
132 draught above heat makes him a fool; the second
131-132. One draught above heat: one drink more than what it takes to make one pleasantly warm.
133 mads him; and a third drowns him.
OLIVIA
134 Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o'
134. crowner: coroner. sit o': hold an inquest concerning.
135 my coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's
135. coz: short for "cousin," which means "kinsman." (Olivia's joke is that because Toby is dead drunk, he's a case for the coroner.)
136 drowned: go, look after him.
Clown
137 He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look
138 to the madman.
Exit CLOWN.
Enter MALVOLIO.
MALVOLIO
139 Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with
140 you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to
141 understand so much, and therefore comes to speak
142 with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to
143 have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore
143. therefore: for that very reason.
144 comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,
145 lady? he's fortified against any denial.
OLIVIA
146 Tell him he shall not speak with me.
MALVOLIO
147 Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your
148 door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to
148. sheriff's post: a post standing at the door of a sheriff's office, used for posting official notices .
149 a bench, but he'll speak with you.
OLIVIA
150 What kind o' man is he?
MALVOLIO
151 Why, of mankind.
151. of mankind: human (Malvolio sees nothing special about Viola/Cesario.)
OLIVIA
152 What manner of man?
MALVOLIO
153 Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you
154 or no.
OLIVIA
155 Of what personage and years is he?
155. personage: appearance.
MALVOLIO
156 Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough
157 for a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or
157. squash: unripe pea pod. peascod: pea pod.
158 a codling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him
158. codling: unripe apple.
159 in standing water, between boy and man. He is
159. in standing water: at the turn of the tide.
160 very well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly.
160. well-favoured: good-looking. shrewishly: sharply.
161 One would think his mother's milk were scarce
162 out of him.
OLIVIA
163 Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.
MALVOLIO
164 Gentlewoman, my lady calls.
Exit.
Enter MARIA.
OLIVIA
165 Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.
166 We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.
Enter VIOLA.
VIOLA
167 The honourable lady of the house, which is she?
OLIVIA
168 Speak to me; I shall answer for her.
169 Your will?
VIOLA
170 Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty, —
171 I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,
172 for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away
172. I would be loath to cast away: I would hate to waste.
173 my speech, for besides that it is excellently well
174 penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good
174. con: memorize.
175 beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very
176 comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
176. comptible: sensitive. the least sinister usage: the slightest disrespect.
OLIVIA
177 Whence came you, sir?
177. Whence: from what family or country? (Olivia is taking a personal interest in this young gentleman.)
VIOLA
178 I can say little more than I have studied, and that
179 question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me
179. out of my part: not part of the role I'm supposed to play.
180 modest assurance if you be the lady of the house,
180. modest: serious, sincere.
181 that I may proceed in my speech.
OLIVIA
182 Are you a comedian?
182. comedian: actor.
VIOLA
183 No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs
183. profound: very wise.
184 of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you
185 the lady of the house?
OLIVIA
186 If I do not usurp myself, I am.
186. usurp: wrongly take the place of.
VIOLA
187 Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp
188 yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not
188. what is yours to bestow: i.e., love.
189 yours to reserve. But this is from my commission;
189. reserve: 
keep back. from my commission: outside the limits of my instructions.
keep back. from my commission: outside the limits of my instructions.190 I will on with my speech in your praise, and then
191 show you the heart of my message.
OLIVIA
192 Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the
192. forgive: excuse from a duty.
193 praise.
VIOLA
194 Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.
OLIVIA
195 It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you,
195. feigned: pretended, insincere.
196 keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates,
196. keep it in: keep it to yourself.
197 and allowed your approach rather to wonder at
197. approach: i.e., this interview with me.
198 you than to hear you. If you be not mad, be
199 gone; if you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that
198-199. If you be not mad, be gone:199. reason: rationality, sanity. 200. time of moon: Moon phases. make one in: take part in.
200 time of moon with me to make one in so
201 skipping a dialogue.
201. skipping: flighty, helter-skelter.
MARIA
202 Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.
202. Here lies your way: i.e., You can go out this way. (Maria is probably pointing to the door.)
VIOLA
203 No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little
203. swabber: ship's petty officer, in charge of keeping the decks clean. hull: drift with sails furled.
204 longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet
204. Some mollification for your giant: i.e., call off your guardian giant. (Maria is tiny.)
205 lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.
OLIVIA
206 Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when
207 the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.
207. courtesy of: introduction to. fearful: frightening. office: business.
VIOLA
208 It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of
208. overture: declaration.
209 war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my
209. taxation of homage: demand for tribute. olive: i.e., olive branch of peace. 210. olive: i.e., olive branch of peace. matter: important meaning.
210 hand; my words are as full of peace as matter.
OLIVIA
211 Yet you began rudely. What are you? what
212 would you?
VIOLA
213 The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I
214 learned from my entertainment. What I am,
214. entertainment: (rude) reception (by your people).
215 and what I would, are as secret as maidenhead;
215. maidenhead: virginity, the hymen.
216 to your ears, divinity, to any other's, profanation.
OLIVIA
217 Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.
Exeunt MARIA and Attendants.
218 Now, sir, what is your text?
218. your text: gospel passage upon which you will preach (Olivia mockingly takes "divinity" to mean "a sermon.").
VIOLA
219 Most sweet lady, —
OLIVIA
220 A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it.
220. comfortable: full of comfort.
221 Where lies your text?
VIOLA
222 In Orsino's bosom.
OLIVIA
223 In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?
VIOLA
224 To answer by the method, in the first
224. by the method: following the usual way (of beginning a sermon).
225 of his heart.
OLIVIA
226 O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you
227 no more to say?
VIOLA
228 Good madam, let me see your face.
OLIVIA
229 Have you any commission from your lord to
230 negotiate with my face? You are now out of
231 your text; but we will draw the curtain and show
230-231. out of your text: wandering away from your topic.
232 you the picture. Look you, sir, such a one I was
233 this present.
233. this present: at the present time. [Unveiling.]
234 Is't not well done?
VIOLA
235 Excellently done, if God did all.
235. if God did all: (Cesario/Viola is hinting that Olivia might be using a lot of make-up.)
OLIVIA
236 'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and
236. in grain: i.e., not painted on.
237 weather.
VIOLA
238 'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
238. blent: blended.
239 Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on:
239. cunning: skillful.
240 Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive,
240. she: woman.
241 If you will lead these graces to the grave
241-242. If . . . And leave the world no copy: Olivia is cruel if she lets her beauty (her "graces") die..
242 And leave the world no copy.
OLIVIA
243 O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give
244 out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be
244. divers: several. schedules: itemized lists (such a list is also a "copy"). 245. particle and utensil: i.e., every little thing.
245 inventoried, and every particle and utensil
246 labelled to my will: as, item, two lips,
246. labelled to my will: added as a codicil to my will.
247 indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids
247. indifferent: more or less.
248 to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth.
249 Were you sent hither to praise me?
249. praise: (puns on "appraise").
VIOLA
250 I see you what you are, you are too proud;
251 But, if you were the devil, you are fair.
251. if: even if. the devil: i.e., the proudest creature that ever lived. 253. but recompensed: only fairly repaid. 254. nonpareil: one without an equal .
252 My lord and master loves you: O, such love
253 Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd
254 The nonpareil of beauty!
OLIVIA
254 How does he love me?
VIOLA
255 With adorations, fertile tears,
255. fertile: ever-growing.
256 With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.
OLIVIA
257 Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him:
258 Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
258. suppose: believe as a fact.
259 Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;
259. Of great estate: wealthy and important. stainless: unstained. 260. In voices well divulged: well spoken of. free: generous. dimension and the shape of nature: physique.
260 In voices well divulged, free, learn'd and valiant;
261 And in dimension and the shape of nature
262 A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him;
262. gracious person: pleasing figure of a man.
263 He might have took his answer long ago.
VIOLA
264 If I did love you in my master's flame,
264. in my master's flame: with my master's passion.
265 With such a suffering, such a deadly life,
265. deadly life: death in life.
266 In your denial I would find no sense;
267 I would not understand it.
OLIVIA
267 Why, what would you?
VIOLA
268 Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
268. willow: (Willow was a symbol of unrequited love.)
269 And call upon my soul within the house;
269. my soul: i.e., Olivia.
270 Write loyal cantons of contemned love
270. cantons: cantos, songs. contemned: rejected.
271 And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
272 Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
272. reverberate: resounding.
273 And make the babbling gossip of the air
273. the babbling gossip of the air: echo.
274 Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest
275 Between the elements of air and earth,
275. Between the elements of air and earth: i.e., anywhere.
276 But you should pity me!
276. But you should pity me: until you came to pity me.
OLIVIA
276 You might do much.
277 What is your parentage?
VIOLA
278 Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
278. Above: better than. my fortunes: what I happen to be at the moment. my state is well: i.e., I'm satisfied with my present position.
279 I am a gentleman.
OLIVIA
279 Get you to your lord;
280 I cannot love him: let him send no more;
281 Unless, perchance, you come to me again,
282 To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:
283 I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.
283. Spend this for me: (She offers Cesario/Viola a tip.)
VIOLA
284 I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse:
284. fee'd post: paid messenger.
285 My master, not myself, lacks recompense.
286 Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;
286. Love make his heart of flint that you shall love: May Love make the man with whom you fall in love have a heart of flint.
287 And let your fervor, like my master's, be
288 Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.
288. fair cruelty: beautiful cruel one.
Exit.
OLIVIA
289 'What is your parentage?'
290 'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
291 I am a gentleman.' I'll be sworn thou art;
292 Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit,
292. tongue: manner of speaking.
293 Do give thee five-fold blazon: not too fast: soft, soft!
293. five-fold blazon: Soft: hold on, go slowly.
294 Unless the master were the man. How now!
294. the man: the man-servant of the master. 
295. the plague: i.e., love-sickness.
295. the plague: i.e., love-sickness.295 Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
296 Methinks I feel this youth's perfections
297 With an invisible and subtle stealth
298 To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.
299 What ho, Malvolio!
Enter MALVOLIO.
MALVOLIO
299 Here, madam, at your service.
OLIVIA
300 Run after that same peevish messenger,
301 The County's man: he left this ring behind him,
301. County's: Count's, i.e., Duke Orsino's.
302 Would I or not: tell him I'll none of it.
302. Would I or not: whether I wanted it or not (Olivia's lying; Viola left no ring). 303. flatter with his lord: i.e., flatter Orsino with the idea that he still has a chance to win Olivia's love.
303 Desire him not to flatter with his lord,
304 Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him:
305 If that the youth will come this way tomorrow,
306 I'll give him reasons for't: hie thee, Malvolio.
306. reasons for't: i.e., reasons why she cannot love.
MALVOLIO
307 Madam, I will.
Exit.
OLIVIA
308 I do I know not what, and fear to find
309 Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
309. flatterer: seducer, tempter.
310 Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;
310. owe: own.
311 What is decreed must be, and be this so.
311. be this so: (She hopes that love between herself and the young gentleman is one of those things that fate has decreed.)
Exit.