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Much Ado About Nothing: Act 3, Scene 3

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           Enter DOGBERRY and his compartner
           [VERGES] with the WATCH.

      DOGBERRY
  1   Are you good men and true?

      VERGES
  2   Yea, or else it were pity but they should
  3   suffer salvation, body and soul.

      DOGBERRY
  4   Nay, that were a punishment too good for them,
  5   if they should have any allegiance in them, being
  6   chosen for the prince's watch.

      VERGES
  7   Well, give them their charge, neighbor
  8   Dogberry.

      DOGBERRY
  9   First, who think you the most desartless
 10   man to be constable?

      First Watchman
 11   Hugh Otecake, sir, or George Seacole; for they
 12   can write and read.

      DOGBERRY
 13   Come hither, neighbour Seacole. God hath blessed
 14   you with a good name: to be a well-favored man is
 15   the gift of fortune; but to write and read comes
 16   by nature.

      Second Watchman
 17   Both which, master constable,—

      DOGBERRY
 18   You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well,
 19   for your favor, sir, why, give God thanks, and make
 20   no boast of it; and for your writing and reading,
 21   let that appear when there is no need of such
 22   vanity. You are thought here to be the most
 23   senseless and fit man for the constable of the
 24   watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your
 25   charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are
 26   to bid any man stand, in the prince's name.

      Second Watchman
 27   How if a' will not stand?

      DOGBERRY
 28   Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and
 29   presently call the rest of the watch together and
 30   thank God you are rid of a knave.

      VERGES
 31   If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none
 32   of the prince's subjects.

      DOGBERRY
 33   True, and they are to meddle with none but the
 34   prince's subjects. You shall also make no noise in
 35   the streets; for, for the watch to babble and to
 36   talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.

      Watchman
 37   We will rather sleep than talk: we know what
 38   belongs to a watch.

      DOGBERRY
 39   Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet
 40   watchman; for I cannot see how sleeping should
 41   offend: only, have a care that your bills be not
 42   stolen. Well, you are to call at all the ale-houses,
 43   and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.

      Watchman
 44   How if they will not?

      DOGBERRY
 45   Why, then, let them alone till they are sober:
 46   if they make you not then the better answer,
 47   you may say they are not the men you took
 48   them for.

      Watchman
 49   Well, sir.

      DOGBERRY
 50   If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by
 51   virtue of your office, to be no true man; and,
 52   for such kind of men, the less you meddle or
 53   make with them, why the more is for your honesty.

      Watchman
 54   If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay
 55   hands on him?

      DOGBERRY
 56   Truly, by your office, you may; but I think
 57   they that touch pitch will be defiled: the most
 58   peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief,
 59   is to let him show himself what he is and steal
 60   out of your company.

      VERGES
 61   You have been always called a merciful
 62   man, partner.

      DOGBERRY
 63   Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much
 64   more a man who hath any honesty in him.

      VERGES
 65   If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call
 66   to the nurse and bid her still it.

      Watchman
 67   How if the nurse be asleep and will
 68   not hear us?

      DOGBERRY
 69   Why, then, depart in peace, and let the child wake
 70   her with crying; for the ewe that will not hear her
 71   lamb when it baes will never answer a calf
 72   when he bleats.

      VERGES
 73   'Tis very true.

      DOGBERRY
 74   This is the end of the charge:—you, constable, are
 75   to present the prince's own person: if you meet the
 76   prince in the night, you may stay him.

      VERGES
 77   Nay, by'r our lady, that I think a' cannot.

      DOGBERRY
 78   Five shillings to one on't, with any man that knows
 79   statues, he may stay him: marry, not without the
 80   prince be willing; for, indeed, the watch ought to
 81   offend no man; and it is an offence to stay a man
 82   against his will.

      VERGES
 83   By'r lady, I think it be so.

      DOGBERRY
 84   Ha, ha, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be
 85   any matter of weight chances, call up me: keep your
 86   fellows' counsels and your own; and good night.
 87   Come, neighbour.

      Watchman
 88   Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us
 89   go sit here upon the church-bench till two,
 90   and then all to bed.

      DOGBERRY
 91   One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watch
 92   about Signior Leonato's door; for the wedding being
 93   there tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight.
 94   Adieu: be vigitant, I beseech you.

           Exeunt [DOGBERRY and VERGES].

           Enter BORACHIO and CONRADE.

      BORACHIO
 95   What, Conrade!

      Watchman [To the other watchmen.]
 96   Peace! stir not.

      BORACHIO
 97   Conrade, I say!

      CONRADE
 98   Here, man; I am at thy elbow.

      BORACHIO
 99   Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a
100   scab follow.

      CONRADE
101   I will owe thee an answer for that: and now forward
102   with thy tale.

      BORACHIO
103   Stand thee close, then, under this penthouse, for
104   it drizzles rain; and I will, like a true drunkard,
105   utter all to thee.

      Watchman [To the other watchmen.]
106   Some treason, masters: yet
107   stand close.

      BORACHIO
108   Therefore know I have earned of Don John
109   a thousand ducats.

      CONRADE
110   Is it possible that any villany should be
111   so dear?

      BORACHIO
112   Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any
113   villainy should be so rich; for when rich villains
114   have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what
115   price they will.

      CONRADE
116   I wonder at it.

      BORACHIO
117   That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest
118   that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak,
119   is nothing to a man.

      CONRADE
120   Yes, it is apparel.

      BORACHIO
121   I mean, the fashion.

      CONRADE
122   Yes, the fashion is the fashion.

      BORACHIO
123   Tush! I may as well say the fool's the fool. But
124   seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?

      Watchman [To the other watchmen.]
125   I know that Deformed; a' has been a vile thief
126   this seven year; a' goes up and down like a
127   gentleman: I remember his name.

      BORACHIO
128   Didst thou not hear somebody?

      CONRADE
129   No; 'twas the vane on the house.

      BORACHIO
130   Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this
131   fashion is? how giddily a' turns about all the hot
132   bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty?
133   sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh's
134   soldiers in the reechy painting, sometime like
135   god Bel's priests in the old church-window,
136   sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirched
137   worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as
138   massy as his club?

      CONRADE
139   All this I see; and I see that the fashion wears
140   out more apparel than the man. But art not thou
141   thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast
142   shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the
143   fashion?

      BORACHIO

144   Not so, neither: but know that I have tonight
145   wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero's gentlewoman,
146   by the name of Hero: she leans me out at her mistress'
147   chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good
148   night,—I tell this tale vilely:—I should first
149   tell thee how the prince, Claudio and my master,
150   planted and placed and possessed by my master Don
151   John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable
152   encounter.

      CONRADE
153   And thought they Margaret was Hero?

      BORACHIO
154   Two of them did, the prince and Claudio; but the
155   devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly
156   by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by
157   the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly
158   by my villany, which did confirm any slander that
159   Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged;
160   swore he would meet her, as he was appointed, next
161   morning at the temple, and there, before the whole
162   congregation, shame her with what he saw o'er night
163   and send her home again without a husband.

      First Watchman
164   We charge you, in the prince's name,
165   stand!

      Second Watchman
166   Call up the right master constable. We have here
167   recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that
168   ever was known in the commonwealth.

      First Watchman
169   And one Deformed is one of them: I know him; a'
170   wears a lock.

      CONRADE
171   Masters, masters,—

      Second Watchman
172   You'll be made bring Deformed forth,
173   I warrant you.

      CONRADE
174   Masters,—

      First Watchman
175   Never speak: we charge you let us
176   obey you to go with us.

      BORACHIO
177   We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being
178   taken up of these men's bills.

      CONRADE
179   A commodity in question, I warrant you.
180   Come, we'll obey you.

           Exeunt.