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The Taming of the Shrew: Act 3, Scene 2

           Enter BAPTISTA, GREMIO, TRANIO
           [disguised as Lucentio], KATHARINA,
           BIANCA, [LUCENTIO disguised as
           Cambio,] and others, attendants.

      BAPTISTA [To Tranio.]
  1   Signior Lucentio, this is the 'pointed day.
  2   That Katharina and Petruchio should be married,
  3   And yet we hear not of our son-in-law.
  4   What will be said? what mockery will it be,
  5   To want the bridegroom when the priest attends
  6   To speak the ceremonial rites of marriage!
  7   What says Lucentio to this shame of ours?

      KATHARINA
  8   No shame but mine: I must, forsooth, be forced
  9   To give my hand opposed against my heart
 10   Unto a mad-brain rudesby full of spleen;
 11   Who woo'd in haste and means to wed at leisure.
 12   I told you, I, he was a frantic fool,
 13   Hiding his bitter jests in blunt behavior:
 14   And, to be noted for a merry man,
 15   He'll woo a thousand, 'point the day of marriage,
 16   Make feasts, invite friends, and proclaim the banns;
 17   Yet never means to wed where he hath woo'd.
 18   Now must the world point at poor Katharina,
 19   And say, "Lo, there is mad Petruchio's wife,
 20   If it would please him come and marry her!"

      TRANIO
 21   Patience, good Katharina, and Baptista too.
 22   Upon my life, Petruchio means but well,
 23   Whatever fortune stays him from his word:
 24   Though he be blunt, I know him passing wise;
 25   Though he be merry, yet withal he's honest.

      KATHARINA
 26   Would Katharina had never seen him though!

           Exit weeping [followed by BIANCA
           and others].

      BAPTISTA
 27   Go, girl; I cannot blame thee now to weep;
 28   For such an injury would vex a very saint,
 29   Much more a shrew of thy impatient humor.

           Enter BIONDELLO.

      BIONDELLO
 30   Master, master! news, old news, and such
 31   news as you never heard of!

      BAPTISTA
 32   Is it new and old too? how may that be?

      BIONDELLO
 33   Why, is it not news, to hear of Petruchio's
 34   coming?

      BAPTISTA
 35   Is he come?

      BIONDELLO
 36   Why, no, sir.

      BAPTISTA
 37   What then?

      BIONDELLO
 38   He is coming.

      BAPTISTA
 39   When will he be here?

      BIONDELLO
 40   When he stands where I am and sees you
 41   there.

      TRANIO
 42   But say, what to thine old news?

      BIONDELLO
 43   Why, Petruchio is coming in a new hat and
 44   an old jerkin, a pair of old breeches thrice turned,
 45   a pair of boots that have been candle-cases, one
 46   buckled, another laced, an old rusty sword ta'en
 47   out of the town armory, with a broken hilt, and
 48   chapeless; with two broken points: his horse hipp'd
 49   with an old mothy saddle and stirrups of no kindred;
 50   besides, possess'd with the glanders and
 51   like to mose in the chine; troubled with the lampass,
 52   infected with the fashions, full of windgalls, sped
 53   with spavins, ray'd with yellows, past cure
 54   of the fives, stark spoiled with the staggers,
 55   begnawn with the bots, sway'd in the back and
 56   shoulder-shotten; near-legg'd before and with
 57   a half-cheek'd bit and a head-stall of sheep's leather
 58   which, being restrain'd to keep him from stumbling,
 59   hath been often burst and now repaired with knots;
 60   one girth six time piec'd and a woman's crupper of
 61   velure, which hath two letters for her name fairly
 62   set down in studs, and here and there pieced with
 63   packthread.

      BAPTISTA
 64   Who comes with him?

      BIONDELLO
 65   O, sir, his lackey, for all the world caparisoned
 66   like the horse; with a linen stock on one leg and a
 67   kersey boot-hose on the other, gartered with a red
 68   and blue list; an old hat and 'the humor of forty
 69   fancies' prick'd in't for a feather: a monster, a
 70   very monster in apparel, and not like a Christian
 71   footboy or a gentleman's lackey.

      TRANIO
 72   'Tis some odd humor pricks him to this fashion;
 73   Yet oftentimes he goes but mean-apparell'd.

      BAPTISTA
 74   I am glad he's come, howsoe'er he comes.

      BIONDELLO
 75   Why, sir, he comes not.

      BAPTISTA
 76   Didst thou not say he comes?

      BIONDELLO
 77   Who? that Petruchio came?

      BAPTISTA
 78   Ay, that Petruchio came.

      BIONDELLO
 79   No, sir, I say his horse comes, with him
 80   on his back.

      BAPTISTA
 81   Why, that's all one.

      BIONDELLO
 82        Nay, by Saint Jamy,
 83        I hold you a penny,
 84        A horse and a man
 85        Is more than one,
 86        And yet not many.

           Enter PETRUCHIO and GRUMIO.

      PETRUCHIO
 87   Come, where be these gallants? who's at home?

      BAPTISTA
 88   You are welcome, sir.

      PETRUCHIO
 88                                     And yet I come not well.

      BAPTISTA
 89   And yet you halt not.

      TRANIO
 89                                     Not so well apparell'd
 90   As I wish you were.

      PETRUCHIO
 91   Were it better, I should rush in thus.
 92   But where is Kate? where is my lovely bride?
 93   How does my father? Gentles, methinks you frown:
 94   And wherefore gaze this goodly company,
 95   As if they saw some wondrous monument,
 96   Some comet or unusual prodigy?

      BAPTISTA
 97   Why, sir, you know this is your wedding-day:
 98   First were we sad, fearing you would not come;
 99   Now sadder, that you come so unprovided.
100   Fie, doff this habit, shame to your estate,
101   An eye-sore to our solemn festival!

      TRANIO
102   And tells us, what occasion of import
103   Hath all so long detain'd you from your wife,
104   And sent you hither so unlike yourself?

      PETRUCHIO
105   Tedious it were to tell, and harsh to hear:
106   Sufficeth I am come to keep my word,
107   Though in some part enforced to digress;
108   Which, at more leisure, I will so excuse
109   As you shall well be satisfied withal.
110   But where is Kate? I stay too long from her:
111   The morning wears, 'tis time we were at church.

      TRANIO
112   See not your bride in these unreverent robes:
113   Go to my chamber; Put on clothes of mine.

      PETRUCHIO
114   Not I, believe me: thus I'll visit her.

      BAPTISTA
115   But thus, I trust, you will not marry her.

      PETRUCHIO
116   Good sooth, even thus; therefore ha' done with words:
117   To me she's married, not unto my clothes:
118   Could I repair what she will wear in me,
119   As I can change these poor accoutrements,
120   'Twere well for Kate and better for myself.
121   But what a fool am I to chat with you,
122   When I should bid good morrow to my bride,
123   And seal the title with a lovely kiss!

           Exit [with Grumio].

      TRANIO
124   He hath some meaning in his mad attire:
125   We will persuade him, be it possible,
126   To put on better ere he go to church.

      BAPTISTA
127   I'll after him, and see the event of this.

           Exit [with Gremio].

      TRANIO
128   But, sir, love concerneth us to add
129   Her father's liking, which to bring to pass,
130   As I before imparted to your worship,
131   I am to get a man,—what e'er he be,
132   It skills not much. we'll fit him to our turn,—
133   And he shall be Vincentio of Pisa;
134   And make assurance here in Padua
135   Of greater sums than I have promised.
136   So shall you quietly enjoy your hope,
137   And marry sweet Bianca with consent.

      LUCENTIO
138   Were it not that my fellow schoolmaster
139   Doth watch Bianca's steps so narrowly,
140   'Twere good, methinks, to steal our marriage;
141   Which once perform'd, let all the world say no,
142   I'll keep mine own, despite of all the world.

      TRANIO
143   That by degrees we mean to look into,
144   And watch our vantage in this business:
145   We'll over-reach the greybeard, Gremio,
146   The narrow-prying father, Minola,
147   The quaint musician, amorous Litio;
148   All for my master's sake, Lucentio.

           Enter GREMIO.

149   Signior Gremio, came you from the church?

      GREMIO
150   As willingly as e'er I came from school.

      TRANIO
151   And is the bride and bridegroom coming home?

      GREMIO
152   A bridegroom say you? 'tis a groom indeed,
153   A grumbling groom, and that the girl shall find.

      TRANIO
154   Curster than she? why, 'tis impossible.

      GREMIO
155   Why he's a devil, a devil, a very fiend.

      TRANIO
156   Why, she's a devil, a devil, the devil's dam.

      GREMIO
157   Tut, she's a lamb, a dove, a fool to him!
158   I'll tell you, Sir Lucentio: when the priest
159   Should ask, if Katharina should be his wife,
160   "Ay, by gogs-wouns," quoth he; and swore so loud,
161   That, all-amaz'd, the priest let fall the book;
162   And, as he stoop'd again to take it up,
163   The mad-brain'd bridegroom took him such a cuff
164   That down fell priest and book and book and priest:
165   "Now take them up," quoth he, "if any list."

      TRANIO
166   What said the wench when he rose again?

      GREMIO
167   Trembled and shook; for why, he stamp'd and swore,
168   As if the vicar meant to cozen him.
169   But after many ceremonies done,
170   He calls for wine: "A health!" quoth he, as if
171   He had been aboard, carousing to his mates
172   After a storm; quaff'd off the muscadel
173   And threw the sops all in the sexton's face;
174   Having no other reason
175   But that his beard grew thin and hungerly
176   And seem'd to ask him sops as he was drinking.
177   This done, he took the bride about the neck
178   And kiss'd her lips with such a clamorous smack
179   That at the parting all the church did echo:
180   And I seeing this came thence for very shame;
181   And after me, I know, the rout is coming.
182   Such a mad marriage never was before:
183   Hark, hark! I hear the minstrels play.

           Music plays.

           Enter PETRUCHIO, KATE, BIANCA,
           HORTENSIO, BAPTISTA, [GRUMIO
           and TRAIN].

      PETRUCHIO
184   Gentlemen and friends, I thank you for your pains:
185   I know you think to dine with me today,
186   And have prepared great store of wedding cheer;
187   But so it is, my haste doth call me hence,
188   And therefore here I mean to take my leave.

      BAPTISTA
189   Is't possible you will away tonight?

      PETRUCHIO
190   I must away today, before night come:
191   Make it no wonder; if you knew my business,
192   You would entreat me rather go than stay.
193   And, honest company, I thank you all,
194   That have beheld me give away myself
195   To this most patient, sweet and virtuous wife:
196   Dine with my father, drink a health to me;
197   For I must hence; and farewell to you all.

      TRANIO
198   Let us entreat you stay till after dinner.

      PETRUCHIO
199   It may not be.

      GREMIO
199                       Let me entreat you.

      PETRUCHIO
200   It cannot be.

      KATHARINA
200                       Let me entreat you.

      PETRUCHIO
201   I am content.

      KATHARINA
201                       Are you content to stay?

      PETRUCHIO
202   I am content you shall entreat me stay;
203   But yet not stay, entreat me how you can.

      KATHARINA
204   Now, if you love me, stay.

      PETRUCHIO
204                                     Grumio, my horse.

      GRUMIO
205   Ay, sir, they be ready; the oats have eaten
206   the horses.

      KATHARINA
207   Nay, then,
208   Do what thou canst, I will not go today;
209   No, nor tomorrow, not till I please myself.
210   The door is open, sir; there lies your way;
211   You may be jogging whiles your boots are green;
212   For me, I'll not be gone till I please myself:
213   'Tis like you'll prove a jolly surly groom,
214   That take it on you at the first so roundly.

      PETRUCHIO
215   O Kate, content thee; prithee, be not angry.

      KATHARINA
216   I will be angry: what hast thou to do?
217   Father, be quiet; he shall stay my leisure.

      GREMIO
218   Ay, marry, sir, now it begins to work.

      KATHARINA
219   Gentlemen, forward to the bridal dinner:
220   I see a woman may be made a fool,
221   If she had not a spirit to resist.

      PETRUCHIO
222   They shall go forward, Kate, at thy command.
223   Obey the bride, you that attend on her;
224   Go to the feast, revel and domineer,
225   Carouse full measure to her maidenhead,
226   Be mad and merry, or go hang yourselves:
227   But for my bonny Kate, she must with me.
228   Nay, look not big, nor stamp, nor stare, nor fret;
229   I will be master of what is mine own:
230   She is my goods, my chattels; she is my house,
231   My household stuff, my field, my barn,
232   My horse, my ox, my ass, my any thing;
233   And here she stands, touch her whoever dare;
234   I'll bring mine action on the proudest he
235   That stops my way in Padua. Grumio,
236   Draw forth thy weapon, we are beset with thieves;
237   Rescue thy mistress, if thou be a man.
238   Fear not, sweet wench, they shall not touch thee, Kate!
239   I'll buckler thee against a million.

           Exeunt Petruchio, Katharina, [And Grumio].

      BAPTISTA
240   Nay, let them go, a couple of quiet ones.

      GREMIO
241   Went they not quickly, I should die with laughing.

      TRANIO
242   Of all mad matches never was the like.

      LUCENTIO
243   Mistress, what's your opinion of your sister?

      BIANCA
244   That, being mad herself, she's madly mated.

      GREMIO
245   I warrant him, Petruchio is Kated.

      BAPTISTA
246   Neighbours and friends, though bride and bridegroom
          wants
247   For to supply the places at the table,
248   You know there wants no junkets at the feast.
249   Lucentio, you shall supply the bridegroom's place:
250   And let Bianca take her sister's room.

      TRANIO
251   Shall sweet Bianca practise how to bride it?

      BAPTISTA
252   She shall, Lucentio. Come, gentlemen, let's go.

           Exeunt.

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